The work NEVER stops

So, the semester is almost over (all praise to Jesus) and it's been a good year of school. I've learned a lot. I've read a lot. I've written a lot. I've cried a lot. I've sat in front of the computer and books thinking that there is no way I'm going to be able to do assignments. However, even with all that doubt and those scary moments, everything has gotten done on time and done to the very best of my ability. Along with learning a lot academically, I've learned a lot spiritually. The Lord has really been working on my heart and my mind over the last month. This has made me realize that even though the academic work might be done for a bit, the spiritual work is NEVER done and I'm so thankful for that. Over the last month, God has just been really speaking (don't get scared, not literally for some reason I always feel like I need to clarify that. You know you say "the Lord spoke to me" and people kinda of raise up their eyebrows and you loose them). He's been making me aware of some things that need to change in me and He's been showing me that He never stops working.
Good Friday I participated in my first Secret Church. It blew my mind! I'm going to be taking in things I learned from that for a long time but I have realized some things while I'm still taking it in. First, suffering is not what I always thought it was. In my tiny mind suffering was being persecuted and hated and abused because of one's faith. While that is very much suffering, I realized that's not the only way suffering happens. Sometimes suffering is much smaller than that. Sometimes suffering is going through the crazy adventure that cancer brings. Before cancer was just a season of life that my family and I needed to get through. I never though of it as suffering. However, it is! I can't quite explain how it is and I hope whoever reads this doesn't think I'm playing down the subject of suffering because I'm not. Suffering is hard, ugly and it hurts. Suffering is being persecuted for your faith but it's so much more than that and I didn't know that until a few weeks ago. Suffering is also good. Yes, you read that right. Suffering is so good. Why? How else in the world would one grow in their faith and mature in their relationship with the Lord if they never suffered? Newsflash, they wouldn't. This is another argument why the "Prosperity Gospel" is garbage. But that's a soapbox I won't get on right now. We must suffer and we must go through things that suck and exhaust us. We must go through things that hurt and are no fun in order to realize how beautiful God really is. It plays back to that verse about His strength being made perfect in your weakness. I never really got that verse until recently!
Another thing the Lord has been working on is make me realize that my heart needs to be full of Him ALL the time. I mean ALL of the time. I'll be honest, He's not foremost in my heart all of the time. That's sad but it's real life. Do I want it to be that way? No way! I do want Him to be my first and foremost thought. I want Him and Him only to occupy my heart all the time. I want His words to be my words and His ways to be my ways. But they're not. I'm learning how to make it that way though.  It's hard to make myself be like Christ all the time. I mean it's so hard but that's OK. God is giving me the tools to do it and He's showing me the things I need to change in my life daily to be more like Him. I recently read the book Practicing His Presence by Brother Lawrence. I highly recommend it. It's a beautiful read. He talks about how his own journey working towards keeping the Lord at the forefront of his mind. His goal is glorify God in everything he does. It's a beautiful, encouraging read. I gained so much from it. It's going to be work but I'm willing to do the work to be more like my Christ.
Another thing the Lord has really been putting on my heart is discipleship. I want so badly to experience that. I got the opportunity to do discipleship with someone who is now my dear friend while in college. It was such a beautiful season of life! That time of hanging out, usually eating pizza, sharing life, and reading together changed my life. I would love to do that with someone. I just don't know how to start or where to find someone or what do to. This is a very recent thing the Lord put on my heart so it's still in the beginning stages. I just remember that time of forming a deep relationship through the Lord with someone as being so sweet. I would love so much to share something like that with  someone else. Also, I just want to share the love of Christ with people. But again, this is something I'm still trying to figure out. "Hold up!" you might say, "You've been on mission trips and have worked in a church and at VBS programs and are in seminary. Don't you already know how to do that?" *cough* Well, um...yes and no. Confession time! I'm a socially nervous person. I get nervous talking to people I don't know. I get nervous presenting in front of the classroom. I get nervous engaging in conversation with parents at the daycare I work at. I don't know why but I do. Once you get to know me, I'm a chatterbox but it takes me a while to get there. I'm getting better though but again, it's work. Work I am willing to do! This work though is especially hard though. I love people but they make me nervous. Some minister I'll become right? It's OK though, the Lord can do great works. I'll get there, He'll get me there. It will just take time. But, oh, how I want to share the joy of the Lord with people. Especially the people of this city. They need Him but they have no idea how much they need Him. I want to help them realize how much the need Him. Whew, I can't wait until I'm able to get to the point where I can confidently talk  and share to "strangers". It makes me excited!
One more thing before I go. The Lord has shown me great things about love over the last few months. For a long time, I had very few friends that were really good friends. Looking back I feel like they were good friendships some were a little deeper than others. However, I've never had a friendship built just upon the shared love of the Lord. Now, however I've got that. I've got a few friends that I love and I know that they love me. It's beautiful. To have friends that keep you accountable and that you can share things with without worried about being judge. People you can spill you heart to and they'll spill their heart to you. People who will recognize your random request for brownies. It's love and it's good! He's also made me realize that real love like that ( I don't know how to explain it other than love, however, please don't get the wrong idea. Jesus loved his friends and I love my friends, OK.) It's genuine and it's precious. I fee like I finally have people in my life that I can truly trust and depend upon. I'm so thankful that after all this time, God has put people like them in my life. It's been a breath of fresh air to meet people who love the Lord and can love me because of who I am and accept me and take care of me. I'm thankful that I am to the point where I can love people just because of who they are and accept them just the way they are. That might sound funny, but it's hard to explain. I've been hurt by "friends" in the past, deeply. These friendships are helping me with some trust issues I've developed. I'm thankful that we can go through our journeys with Jesus together. It's wonderful. It makes me feel full.
Many of the things God has done over the last year leaves me feeling full but starving at the same time. I'm so satisfied in all He's done and all He's shown me but I want more. I want more of Him. I want more of His work in me. I don't want this feeling of being full but still starving to go away. The Lord is good and His work never stops. I never want to stop Him working on me and I never want to stop working for Him. The academic work my end for a bit but the real work never stops. Praise the Lord!
peace,love,flowers & grace
CA